I'm guessing no one will ever read this blog. Because I don't put its information anywhere. Really, I just started it to have a nice cohesive place to throw my PRs in so I can keep track of them. That all having been said, I'm starting to feel like I want to write more about running and exercise and yadda yadda. More than I feel like including in Dailymile posts, and certainly more than non-runner friends care to see as notes on Facebook. And Livejournal... I don't know. Livejournal lost its charm, it's not a place I enjoy posting anymore even though I tried to get back in to it a while back when things in life were rough.

I ran in shorts for really the first time tonight. I haven't worn shorts on anything near a regular basis since I was maybe 10 or 11. Back then I started having self-image issues. Then I got skinny again and then self-injury issues cropped up. Then those went away and by then the bad body image and self-image issues were back and add on to that the fact that my pale pale skin hadn't seen sunlight in years, and it just became a vicious cycle. However, I ran a goddamn marathon in April. And then I ran another one three weeks later because I wasn't happy with how the first one went. After my first marathon (in Nashville, in beastly heat and on a course with abundant hills), I was sitting on the grass between the finish line area and the family reunion area, eating my candy bar and drinking guzzling my bottle of water, when a couple sat on the grass in the general vicinity of where I was sitting. We struck up a conversation about the course and our races and how it went and yadda yadda. The man mentioned he never takes his shirt off while running because of his "flabby tummy" but that it had been so hot, he'd taken it off anyway. I said "Dude, that flabby tummy just ran a damn marathon, so anyone who doesn't like it can suck it!" or something to that effect.

Well, I can say that to a stranger, so why can't I say it to myself? I've been meditating and contemplating body image a lot lately. Over the course of my life I've had so much hate for my body and what it looks like and I so rarely stop to appreciate what my body can do. It's incredible!

Last January - January of 2011 - I could not run 2 miles in a row without walk breaks. I trained up to a half marathon and finished my first one in JUNE in 2:31:22. Not the time I was going for, but not too embarrassing for my first time out. Four months later, in October 2011, I bettered that time by 21 minutes. Just by training my body to do more more more. Four months after that? Bettered my time by another 6 minutes (at an outdoor half marathon in Minnesota in February, no less).

Two months after my second half marathon PR, I ran my first full marathon in April 2012 in 5:12:40, and because I wasn't happy with my time, I ran another full marathon in May 2012 and shaved almost half an hour off my time, running 4:43:04 at the Fargo Marathon.

That's not too damn shabby for this body I've spent so much time hating. But now, when I go to sit down somewhere and I put my hands on my thighs as I'm sitting, I notice the muscle. When I wear a skirt, I notice the curve of my calves and the flex of the muscle just above my knee. After a run when I'm stretching, instead of worrying about which direction I'm pointed ("Oh no, will they see my butt? They'll think it's huge! Oh my god..."), I appreciate what that butt has done for me and what all the time spent on the road and on trails and on treadmills has gotten me. All the time and all the miles these legs have carried me through are becoming impressive to me.

Am I the fastest runner out there? No. I probably never will be. I'll never win any race I enter, but I'm damn well beginning to appreciate what my body puts up with and what it does for me.

Do I still have days of looking at my pale stomach with its extra skin (and, let's be honest, a little extra padding) and stretch marks and just go "Ugh"? Yeah. I probably always will. But more often than I have those bad feelings towards myself, I'm starting to have GOOD days. Feeling confident and amazed by what these legs and this body can withstand, and then start to enjoy, and then start to crave.

It's another sappy "running changed my life" post, but... there are so many of them out there for a reason.